Honesty and Questions
Dec. 21st, 2003 01:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judith_sI consider myself a pretty good listener. Probably comes from irrepressible curiosity about people in general, and especially about individuals I know. Since I'm not good at prying (I leave that to Charles) I just listen, and usually, I find out everything... sometimes more than I wanted to know.
One of the more curious things I have recently discovered is the various methods of communications failure that appear to be much too common.
The first, and most common, is the failure to ASK for things. When you want something fixed, and something is not good for you, communicate. Tell the individual(s) involved what the problem is. Very few of us are psychic... and most of us aren't even particularly attuned what other people want, even if we love them very dearly. If someone doesn't tel me that my house is too cold, I won't notice... and they'll come away cold & pissed because I didn't turn on the heat. A much too common failure mode.
Second, and almost as common, is failure to LISTEN. When someone is telling you something, you should try to actually hear them, and listen to them. This is a failure I have as well. It is difficult to listen. This is especially true when the conversation is about you. Listen without judging the other person, without becoming defensive, without trying to justify your choices, and without attacking.
Third, and of course stemming from the second, is the conversion of a complaint to an attack. From "you didn't turn on the heat when I was cold" to "you don't care about my wellbeing." Try to keep the conversation ON TOPIC. Try not to bring in the "you always" and the reasons you think the other person did what they did. Simply state the problem & don't try to find a reason the other person caused the problem. Let them tell you the why.
I'm feeling weird today. Family events & reading too much LJ, I think.
One of the more curious things I have recently discovered is the various methods of communications failure that appear to be much too common.
The first, and most common, is the failure to ASK for things. When you want something fixed, and something is not good for you, communicate. Tell the individual(s) involved what the problem is. Very few of us are psychic... and most of us aren't even particularly attuned what other people want, even if we love them very dearly. If someone doesn't tel me that my house is too cold, I won't notice... and they'll come away cold & pissed because I didn't turn on the heat. A much too common failure mode.
Second, and almost as common, is failure to LISTEN. When someone is telling you something, you should try to actually hear them, and listen to them. This is a failure I have as well. It is difficult to listen. This is especially true when the conversation is about you. Listen without judging the other person, without becoming defensive, without trying to justify your choices, and without attacking.
Third, and of course stemming from the second, is the conversion of a complaint to an attack. From "you didn't turn on the heat when I was cold" to "you don't care about my wellbeing." Try to keep the conversation ON TOPIC. Try not to bring in the "you always" and the reasons you think the other person did what they did. Simply state the problem & don't try to find a reason the other person caused the problem. Let them tell you the why.
I'm feeling weird today. Family events & reading too much LJ, I think.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-21 11:04 am (UTC)There's a reason I call it forbidden
knowledge.
Hopefully family events will improve.
But I'm trying to listen. Probably
with only mixed success, but I does
what I can.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-21 01:36 pm (UTC)I forgot one...
Date: 2003-12-21 01:34 pm (UTC)(1) They will believe that you are in fact capable of what you threaten. If you tell your child that you will leave them in a mall if they piss you off... even if you never do, they will forever believe that this is an actual option, and that if you get angry enough, you might just do exactly that. This will make them afraid of you, and will destroy trust.
(2) They will stop believing in consequent behavior. If you always threaten but never follow through, they will stop believing what you say. If you always say "if you do X I will spank you/take away your allowance/whatever"... and you don't actually do it, you will make absolutely certain that they don't believe in consequences.
Did I mention that some people shouldn't be allowed to raise children?